You played soccer as a kid, but have no idea who won the UEFA Champions League and don’t know the difference between old Ronaldo and new Ronaldo?
Yet, a major soccer tournament is around the corner and all your friends have bought into pools and penciled days off work to watch games.
Want to join them but don’t know anything about the World Cup? It’s not too late to become a fake fan, donning the dress code of the Azzurri and tapping into the energy of the world’s most popular soccer tournament.
Here’s a guide to getting through the month-long football frenzy:
1. Pick a team
If you’re a fake fan, chances are you haven’t inherited an ancestral allegiance to one of the national teams vying for the World Cup trophy. And, unlike most international hockey tournaments where Team Canada proudly carries this country’s banner, there is no Team Canada playing in Brazil.
If you’re looking to back a contender, the host team is the obvious favourite. But with soccer superstar Lionel Messi up front, and an army of talented players behind him, Argentina is poised to go far as well. And if the reigning World Cup champion Spaniards can maintain their winning form, they also stand a good chance of appearing in the final.
Germany, consistently strong, also has a team that could make it through to the end. But then again, no European team has ever won a World Cup tournament held in South America.
Fans who would rather cheer for the underdog can look to Belgium, which went unbeaten during qualifying and is in a group that could offer little resistance to advancing into the next round. Ivory Coast is also in a comparatively even group, with a roster of players that could carry the team far.
2. Prepare for some acting
The Oscars should have a category for soccer players called, “Best portrayal of a minor knee injury that leads to a free kick or penalty shot.”
Unlike hockey or football, where players forge on despite the body contact, soccer players who take a hit will typically crumble like a cookie, rolling in pain and holding on to a lower body joint (knee, ankle) in an attempt to win the referee’s attention and earn the chance to take a free kick.
Generally, the more a player rolls around after falling to the ground, the more likely it is they’re faking an injury.
If you’re not convinced the melodramatics are a factor, note that Dutch star Arjen Robben was accused, by one of his own teammates, of diving during a training session before the tournament even started.
3. Dress the part, know the team name
Wearing a red shirt for Spain or a yellow shirt for Brazil may earn you some fan cred, but die-hard fans will recognize you’re an imposter. Spring for a requisite team scarf instead. It’s easier to tote than a flag, and you can more easily use it to cover your eyes during a stressful penalty shoot-out. It even comes in handy to wipe away tears of joy (or sadness) when it’s all over.
But be cautious. I’ve seen a non-Italian kicked out of a bar because he was wearing an Italian team jersey, and the owner – clearly not thrilled - called him out for it.
Don’t let your lingo give you away, either. Cheering for Italy may be a lot of fun, but longtime fans know the Italian squad as the “Azzurri” (the blue). The Mexicans are El Tri (for the three colours in their flag/uniform). The Germans are Die Mannschaft (The Team).
4. Know the rules
Ok, just because you look like a fan and know some names doesn’t make you part of the club – yet. One of the dead giveaways that you’re faking fandom is asking stupid questions during crucial moments of a match. Just in case, here are some pre-emptive answers:
- There’s no penalty box – players are first given a yellow card as a warning for a foul, and then a red card to leave the field for a second foul or a really bad one.
- An offside happens when the attacking team’s most forward player gets passed the ball behind the last defenceman.
- There’s no sudden-death overtime. If the score is a draw at the 90th minute (after two 45-minute halves) then the game goes into Silver Goal overtime, during which the teams play two 15-minute halves. If there is still no winner, the game goes to a penalty shootout.
5. If “your” team loses, blame it on the coach
Ultimately, a country’s best players can’t possibly let you down. It wasn’t a missed penalty kick or a loose pass that gave the other team a chance to win the game.
Just blame it on the coach. If a regular starter stayed on the bench, or if the team wasn’t attacking aggressively, it’s easiest to fault the team’s “manager.”
Sound insightful and say the losing coach is going to get sacked by the time he’s back in his home country.
You may need to drop the name of a replacement coach that can turn a team’s fortunes around, so, for example, say it’ll be current Chelsea coach Jose Mourinho.
Between making angry comments to reporters and a comedy series mimicking his likeness, picking this colourful character as a team’s saviour won’t have anyone doubting your soccer knowledge.
And that’s the point, right?
