'A healing journey': Inuk hockey player Jordin Tootoo discusses new documentary

CTV News’ Rachel CrowSpreadingWings sat down with legendary Inuk hockey player Jordin Tootoo for an open conversation on his new documentary, Tootoo: The Jordin Tootoo Story. The film takes a look at achievements throughout his hockey career and his struggles with addictions.

Q: Okay, so one of the things that you were talking about, that you really wanted the crew to experience, was the traditional life up there. Tell me a little bit about why that was so important.

JT: Well, I think for anyone who comes to a remote community, we can share all the stories and experiences we want as community members to the outside world, verbally, but in order to really grasp the lifestyle, you have to be present in those situations. And, in order for Adam and the crew to really experience the way of life, you have to live it.

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I remember when I was writing my first book with Mr. Steven Brunt. I said I could share all the stories I want, but in order to really put the dots together, you have to see it with your own eyes, and I feel that with my documentary, it's not just about me.

It's for our people; it's for my family members to really find that confidence in themselves to open up, to be honest and to share their life experiences without judgment. We all know, as Indigenous people, when we walk into a public space, our guards are up, because of stereotypes and all that.

So for me, it's been a process; a healing process. You know, I no longer carry that shame or guilt from the past. Today's a new day. I want to be better than I was yesterday, and to show our people that it doesn't matter where you come from, whether you're successful, or not.

You know, we all fight a fight no one knows about, and until you're comfortable and content in your own skin, your lived experiences are going to weigh down on you. And I know for a fact, this process has really helped the Tootoo family -- my relatives -- really be content, and be okay with sharing their experiences.

Detroit Red Wings right wing Jordin Tootoo warms up as a young fan watches prior to Game 7 of their first-round NHL hockey Stanley Cup playoff series against the Anaheim Ducks in Anaheim, Calif., Sunday, May 12, 2013. (AP / Chris Carlson)

Q: And you've been really open about your recovery and your addiction. Was that hard for you, to open up, at first? And how do you feel about it now, with the film?

JT: Yeah, it was really hard because I grew up in a home where there was a lot of silence. And I know for a fact, almost every Indigenous person out there can relate. You know, we never talked about, how your day was or what was going on. You know, it was, basically: 'less is more.' The less you say, the better.

And I found that really hard in adulthood, too. To carry that weight. And so, when I was writing my first book, it took probably a year for me to really open up, because I was guarded; I protected my family.

I didn't write my books and [do] this documentary to expose my family. I did it to help us heal, and to move forward, and to come to realizations that you were not the only ones that have lived traumatic lives. We're only one family, and me being in the public eye has really opened those doors to show other people that: 'Hey, although he's successful in his profession, we all fight a fight no one knows about.'

And when I sobered up in 2010, it took probably two years for me to really be comfortable and content, and in verbalizing my experiences. My relationship today is better than it's ever been with my mom and dad, and I'm truly grateful for all the processes that I've gone through in writing my books and doing this documentary.

Q: About four years ago, you were doing an interview with Sportsnet, I forget who the guy was, but you had said in there that growing up in the Far North, you were really free. Can you kind of tell me what that means? I feel like a lot of people don't understand the relationship of Indigenous people with the land.

JT: Yes. So in my experiences, you know, it's that it's the land that allowed me to be true to myself. It's the land where we, as Indigenous people, are connected with our ancestors. It's a safe place for us. It is where we feel whole, as a person. Throughout my professional hockey career, going home really humbled me.

You know, living this fast life in the south, going to places I never imagined I thought I'd be going as a young kid, you know: New York City, L.A.; It really allowed me to open my eyes, you know, because I know for a fact, a lot of our Indigenous communities, remote communities, kind of live in a bubble.

Governor General David Johnston presents hockey player Jordin Tootoo with the Meritorious Service Medal during a ceremony at Rideau Hall, June 19, 2017 in Ottawa. (Adrian Wyld)

And I remember my dad would always say to me: 'Go out and experience the world. Wherever you go. Home will always be home, no matter where you go.' And I had to sacrifice over 20 years of not being able to go hunting, not being able to just jump on a Ski-Doo or a quad, whenever I want.

So, during my off-season, going home was— it refueled me, when I was out on the land, you know? And that's what our people need; we need more of that. We need to get our kids out.

That being said, we as parents — especially male figures in our communities — need to find that inner confidence to be okay not knowing everything, and to go out and experience, and fail.

You know, how are we supposed to learn if we don't fail, in today's generation? I see that failure is of no option to a lot of these young kids. And, and when they do hit adversity, they don't know what to do. And for me, it's about putting in the work, and putting in the time.

Yes, now when I go home, I'm relearning, you know, how to skin a caribou; how to tie the sled down. You know, because I— you tend to lose, when you're… when you go away to fulfill your dreams. And I have no shame in not knowing how to do everything out there. You know, a lot of people assume I know how to go hunt and fish wherever … I make sure that I have the confidence, but deep down inside, a lot of us men, we carry that, I don't know if you call it shame, or guilt, of not knowing, but once I started being comfortable, showing people that if you don't know how to do it, just ask.

And so, like, for me, it really has humbled me, you know, connecting with the land. and connecting with our people.

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Q: What does it mean for you to share your story in this manner? In the film?

JT: For me personally, [it] shows me how courageous my family is. And in opening up, you know, it's not easy, you know, when you think you're the only family that has experienced this, because no one ever talks about the hard times, right? And this whole process has really brought us closer together, as a family.

Yes, there were a lot of tense moments, but we've also learned how to communicate and conversate and walk through experiences verbally, rather than, you know, the silent treatment or [by] disappear[ing] for a couple of days until things settle down. This whole process has allowed my family to be okay with not being okay. You know, far too often, we as Indigenous people judge our own, you know, immediately, rather than taking a few steps back and asking yourself: 'What's their story?'

Q: Is there anything else that you'd like to add that I didn't ask?

JT: For me personally, it's been a healing journey for not only myself, but for my family. You know, there's not one Indigenous person that I haven't met that hasn't been affected by suicide or addiction; mental health. And so, I don't ever consider myself better than anybody else. I'm able to do this because I'm comfortable and content in my own skin.

I've put in the work. I'm still doing the work. It's a daily grind, but I accept that. And I choose that.

Life's all about choices. And I don't blame anybody else. You know, far too often, we as Indigenous people want to blame somebody else for their problems. Look yourself in the mirror. And once you become confident enough, great things will happen.

But it takes time, right? … It's not going to be okay tomorrow. It actually gets harder, you know, when you choose to change your ways and to try different things; to try new things. It's not all fine and dandy, you know, when, when you choose to live a different life and to be honest, you've got to be somewhat selfish, you know. Far too often, we're worried about what other people are going to think.

You know, I still get it all: 'Jordin. You think you're better than your own people,' and all that. Yeah, I don't take that personally.

I look at that individual when those conversations are hard, and I say: 'Hey, I like how you doing?’ Is there, you know, because we all we have demons. And when you're not able to verbalize, we tend to want to blame somebody else.

This interview has been edited for clarity.